Hey readers, Im back, I guess? I have been gone for 3 months and I think that would mark the end of me sulking and I should start getting my shit together.
I am quite sure this post is totally different from all the other posts because it tells you the feelings that have been overwhelming me.
Have you ever exposed someone you cared for, felt like shit doing so but you know it was the right thing to do. Have you ever felt unfair for yourself because you were just collateral damage? Your life is chaotic because of other people’s mistakes.
Have you ever loved and looked up to someone and told yourself that you would want to be like them? You basically did everything in your life so you could be as good as them and one day they would finally be proud of you. Have you?
Then, one day, you realised that everything that you have seen was an act. Yes, no one is perfect but what if it was a betrayal that no one should have ever done? Sadly, no one wants to take up the blame. Everyone is pinned with their irresponsibility and no one is willing to look at themselves. Everything collapsed and you went down with it.
Oh, everyday you wake up wishing that it was just a dream. You wish you could just forget about it.
You tried to be strong, you tried to be there for everyone who was affected and you tried to not cry. You did it, you thought you were strong. Well, then there comes one day when you were alone and sat down to think, you realised that you were just blinded. There is so much anger and disappointment inside of you that never got a chance to be heard.
You stopped talking to people because you think everyone would find out how broken you are. You stopped making new friends because you do not want anyone to see you at your worst. You started losing confidence in yourself. You constantly tell yourself that tomorrow would be better but guess what? Nothing gets better.
It comes to a point where you have no confidence to speak up in class. You singled yourself out from group discussion. Why? You just feel like your opinion would not matter because you are just broken and worthless.
You had no energy left for anything; hanging out with friends, assignments or revisions because you have used up all of them to put a smile on your face. You tried to be okay but people started asking if something was wrong. You panicked and wondered what went wrong, which part of your ‘happiness’ did not seem real enough.
You just stopped doing everything that you loved to do. You just wanted getaways and escape routes from life. You wanted someone who could help you but you know that no one can really help you when it comes to your feelings. You started feeling lost like there was no one that you could look up to anymore. You no longer wish for them to be proud of you.
YEAP! That was me for the past three months. I felt non-existent and worthless but it’s finally coming to an end. I realised that I should not base my self confidence in seeking someone else’s approval. I can be inspired but I should not live my life to be like anyone else other than me, myself. I understood that it was not my burden to bear. I was just a source of escape for them. They just needed someone to be the scapegoat.
Appreciate those people who tell you that things would get better even though it is not the truth. I sincerely believe that they want to help but they just did not know how and that was the easiest thing for anyone to say. Trust me, things absolutely do not get better. You just learn how to deal with it and handle it better.
If you were to ask me how did I deal with it? I am not sure if I have the best solution for you. All I could say is that you have to face your feelings with courage. Crying does not mean that you are not strong enough and it certainly does not mean that you are weak. Talk to a few people who you feel safe to be around. Feel free to talk to me too (anonymously works too). Try to think of all the little achievements you have in life. Hold on to them and draw your confidence from it.
(If you do not mind gaining weight, eat some chocolate HAHAHA it brings so much happiness)
You can do it, loves. Smile and do not try to figure out everything at once. Happiness does not come easily but everyone deserves to be happy. Such irony right? Find your own happiness! You will feel it someday. It might not be today, might not be tomorrow but do not give up! Remember! Crying is not weak, giving up is. Keep going!
Until then, keep your heads high, loves ♥♥